Tag Archives: couples’ therapy

Back to My Future

31 May

Back to the Future

Baby has been sick this week, and I was home with him, cleaning his vomit, coaxing him to drink water and consoling all 11 kilos of him in my arms for hours… This morning, when he finally went down for his nap, I collapsed in bed and fell asleep at once.

Suddenly, I was on the set of Back to the Future, and it was being filmed. I wasn’t really taking part in the movie, but I was more than an observer, it’s like I was an extra, just there. I remember thinking to myself, hey, I’ve seen this, it’s a great movie. Yes, I know that’s weird since it was just being filmed, but you know, it’s a dream. Then Baby woke up and nap time was over.

This past month has been a trip back to the past for me, and it hasn’t been easy. I know I’m having a hard time when I have a need to blog every single day, and I’ve had times like that. But I also know I’m having a horrible time when I don’t blog at all, and I haven’t been. I was doing much better, getting used to my new life as a single mom, thinking about the future, making plans, living as I wanted to live. This couple’s therapy thing with BD is really getting to me. It’s making me feel like I’m regressing. I’m sad again, I feel less in control of my life, I get to the end of every day feeling like I need a drink, or make that three. Last night I stared at the TV for an hour. I know most people do that on a regular basis, but I don’t. It wasn’t even a show I enjoyed, it was just some stupid reality show that I hate and find degrading towards women.

I’ve made a decision to keep this up for two months (one down, one to go), and I hope I get what I’m looking for at the end of this process: closure, certainty, confidence that I’m doing the right thing. But in the meantime, I’m craving that future that just a short while ago seemed so close and now seems farther than ever.




Late Nights and Business Trips

4 May

silver lining

BD went on another business trip. This time he made sure it would be no longer than ten days, because last time, when he was away for three weeks, his four month old baby hardly recognized him when he got back. In June he’s going again, and it sounds like there’s going to be another trip coming up at the end of the summer. I get that his job requires travelling, I do. I also get that he has bosses and can’t just do whatever he wants. Still, if it were me, and my marriage was – not falling apart – but rather had already fallen apart, and I was facing my one final chance to make things right with the woman I love, who is the mother of my child, and who has decided miraculously, kindly, to grant me two months of “working at it”, even though I don’t deserve them, if it were me, I would do everything in my power to avoid going away on business three times in three months.

The weird thing is that I’m not upset about it. I actually don’t really care that much. I think it was just too much work to care all the time about all of his stupid mistakes, so I just stopped. When he told me he was going away and that there was another trip coming up next month, I just thought to myself – Fine. Go.

The clock is ticking. I gave BD two months to see if there is any point for us to try and get back together. I am fully aware that our problems will not be solved in two months, but I do hope to gain knowledge on whether or not it’s worth trying. I stopped my life, put everything on hold, committed to two meetings a week, to therapy, to opening up my mind, my heart, to the idea of forgiving him, and I am willing to carry this out for two moths exactly. I’m not  giving it a second more than that. I just can’t.

If BD really wants me back – he’s going to have to prove to me that I can trust him again. But he’s also going to have to convince me that it’ll be worthwhile for me to trust him, that I will gain something from investing the time, energy, and vulnerability into making things right with him. I really don’t see myself going through all of that emotional turmoil, dissecting everything that’s wrong between us, arguing, crying, opening up to him again –  just to remain a single mom, to be home alone with our son while he’s working late hours, nights, and weekends and going away every month or two. If that’s what the deal is, I’m taking a pass. If that’s all he has to offer me, I’m going to wait until I find someone who has more to offer.

A Silver Lining?

2 May

silver lining

I feel like shit. This is terrible. Fuck.

I spent this week watching my Louis CK, eating junk, and not getting any work done. Really the only parts of my week that I feel proud of, the only parts that make me feel that I’m a normal functioning adult, are when I’m with my boy. Taking him to day care. Playing at the park. Taking a bath. Having dinner. That I can do. It actually makes me feel better, doing that. It reminds me of my purpose. Life’s not all a load of crap, there’s this beautiful thing in my life, this treasure, that looks at me and smiles and drools, and climbs and pinches and tugs at my hair like I’m his giant toy. Pretty soon he’s going to start calling me mom, and that’ll be insane. Wow.

BUT, when I’m not taking care of my little treasure, that’s when I remember stuff. I remember how bad it was when BD left and how I swore I would never let anyone hurt me like that again. And I wonder if I”m a big idiot for agreeing to go to therapy with him, when all I feel for him is anger. I remember how SG made me happy and how I ended it because we didn’t want the same things from life. I remember how he said things to me that showed me that he really listened to me and understood me. And I remember how I sometimes felt that BD never really got me. How he’d say things that had the subtext of – money equals success and I how I didn’t like that. How he was always late and how it made me feel like I didn’t matter to him. How he had taken his ring off two months before he moved out and let me think he’d lost it, when really – he just didn’t want to wear it anymore. SG would never do that. He’d tell me the truth.

I’m not saying I want SG back, even though I do miss him terribly. So much that it makes my chest hurt. But I know it wouldn’t have lasted. I’m saying, well, that it sucks. That it hurts. That I feel more angry at BD than I did when I had another man in my life. That I feel less hopeful that it’ll work out with him. Honestly, I think a part of me wants this to fail. A part of me just wants to be free to find my next SG, someone sensitive, insightful and happy, but this time someone who wants the same things out of life as me.

I’ll say this though, and maybe it can be the silver lining of this gloomy post: Despite the pain I’m in now, I have no regrets. I’m not sorry I let BD go and didn’t fight for him to stay. If I’d put up a fight, we might have gone to therapy sooner, we might have worked things out, we might not be on our way to a divorce. But it would have been awful, I wouldn’t be able to live with the feeling that I had pressured him to stay when he wanted to go. I’d always doubt that he really wanted to be with us.

And I’m not sorry I let myself love SG. If I had had my shield up, it could have just been a fling, something light to distract me and then exit my life with no real damage. But no, I got more out of loving SG than I lost from saying goodbye to him.