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The Point of No Return

23 Feb

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He picked me up at nine thirty. Well, nine forty, actually. He was a little late. I got into the car and he was checking his emails, but a few seconds later he shut his phone and did not look at it again the entire evening, which isn’t typical. He gave me a peck on the cheek. We chatted a bit. He asked me where I wanted to go. I named a place and we got going.

During the ride we talked about nothing for  a bit. Then we fell silent. I asked how the evening had been with Baby. He said Baby was exhausted and fell asleep immediately after his bath. I said he’d had an exciting day, playing with a friend’s daughter and visiting family, so it figures. We talked about his new tooth, and how much he loves swings.

We reached our destination, a little bar-restaurant, with low lighting, music, and good vibes. We sat in a small corner table and talked about nothing again. We ordered some drinks and tapas. There was a costume party nearby, and people were incredibly drunk so there was one more thing to chat about and lots of people to ridicule.

So what do you want out of life? I finally asked. He had no answer. What about you? I want to keep developing professionally, but to find a good balance of work and home, and have time to spend with Baby. I want to let a man into my life, but not as deeply as I have in the past, I want to maintain my independence and sense of self. I want to travel. I want to enjoy the little things and be happy. Silence. It’s good that you’re defining these things to yourself. I know.

Are you depressed? I looked straight at him. Yes. But I’m better than I was. Are you going to get over this? Yes. With or without me? Yes. Listen, you don’t have to go out with me because you think I’m depressed. I’m not. I’m going out with you because I need to see if I can feel something toward you again, something other than anger and disappointment. Silence.

Promise me one thing. Yes. Don’t listen to anyone, not to our parents, not to friends or family. Do what you know is right, not what people tell you is right. I will.

He paid. We walked to the car hand in hand. He drove me home. We kissed, awkward, dry, mechanical. I went upstairs and collapsed with fatigue and slept for ten hours, Baby being with his grandparents. When I woke up things became clearer than they’d been.

1. I’m not going back to BD.

2. I need to find a way to tell him that.

3. There is potential for a good relationship with him, and that’s what I really want, more than getting a generous settlement.

DB and I have reached the point of no return. It’s been five long months since the separation, and for me, there’s no going back now. I doubt that anything can be done to rekindle the love I used to feel toward him. I still care about him, and I genuinely want him to be happy. But I also want me to be happy, and it’s not going to be with him.

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