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A Piece of Advice from the Cheshire Cat

23 Sep

– I was just wondering if you could help me find my way.

– Well that depends on where you want to get to. 

– Oh, it really doesn’t matter, as long as…

– Then it really doesn’t matter which way you go.

cheshire cat

I have no fucking clue where I’m going, it’s difficult to even say where I am, and I certainly don’t know where I want to be.

Two roads are diverging in this yellow wood. One will lead to a reunion, mother, father and son, living together, sharing the same ‘boat’, caught up in a routine of joys and sorrows, pausing to become excited by first words, first days at school, first fights, first loves, first disappointments. Anyone who says I can have that without BD – and I’ve been getting that – is wrong. I can try to create a similar kind of closeness. I can’t have THAT.

The other road leads me to great passion and comfort. Not necessarily with a partner – I’m doing pretty well on my own these days – but maybe, at some point, that too.  This road is reliable. It will never fail me. It’s the road in which I learn to accept the fact that my son and I are a complete unit that lacks nothing. It’s a road that makes me feel empowered, because I do everything on my own and prove to myself that I can. Only, I already know that I can. Everyone in my life knows this too, including BD. So who am I so desperately trying to impress?

I can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing something, misinterpreting something. Being let down by men, picking myself up and doing it on my own – it’s a nice narrative. It just seems a little too easy. It doesn’t really feel like it’s my story.

Most of my life I’ve been very opinionated, impulsive, stubborn. I don’t feel like these words really describe me anymore. And though I realize that people change, and it’s a good thing, and I know that I’ve been through quite a bit, and my priorities have changed now that I’m a mother, now that I’m separated, now that we’re “working on the relationship” again… Still, I’m not sure I’m liking this new me. I’m not sure I’m ready to give up opinionated, impulsive and stubborn for reasonable, level-headed and accommodating.

Comfort Food and Contemplation

15 Aug

pasta

Pasta with tomatoes and parmesan cheese at midnight. Healthy.

Staying up to blog rather than get some sleep. Smart.

Contemplating life and trying to reach a decision. Necessary, difficult, a lost cause.

 

Here’s what I know about BD:

1. He loves me.

2. He’s a good father.

3. He wants the same things in life as me: another kid, family time, travelling.

4. He has resources to make my life comfortable financially.

5. He’s willing to do whatever it takes to make us work.

6. He’s a slob.

7. He’s chronically late, everywhere.

8. He’s not really passionate about anything.

 

Here’s what I know about me:

1. I love who I am when I’m alone, I’m scared of losing myself in a relationship. I have before.

2. I’m a great mother, I’m sure I make mistakes, but I give it my all, 24/7 and I do more than just all right.

3. I can do it on my own. I’m just not sure I want to.

4. I do still care for BD.

5. There’s only so much I’m willing to do to make things work between us.

6. I feel happy when my house, schedule and emotions are tidy and neat. I need order.

7. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive BD for what he put me through when he left me abruptly with a 4 month old baby. 

8. I seek passion in every aspect of my life.

 

And there you have it.

No conclusions, just thoughts.

No light bulbs or ‘Eureka’s, just midnight pasta and contemplation.

Not Too Much to Ask

21 Jul
In bloom every spring.

In bloom every spring.

I seek passion in my life.  But I also seek security.

My therapist thinks my expectations are unrealistic. She thinks what made SG so exciting, what made our relationship so fabulously passionate was the fact that there was no security there, it wasn’t going anywhere, it was clearly temporary. I disagree. I think it was insanely, intoxicatingly passionate, but it became even more so the closer we became, the more I trusted him, the more I let myself believe that it was going to last.

Is it really such an oxymoron, to find passion and security in one man?

I find this magical combination of both passion and security in many different aspects of my life. Motherhood is by far the most prominent. I am head over heals for my little boy. I’m in love with every little brown curl, and overly grown toenail that I struggle to clip as he squirms and squeals. I’m passionate about teaching him everything I know about the world and directing him to look and see the things which are most important to me, showing him by example and helping him learn to deal with difficulty and pain as well as embrace the beauty and pleasures of life. I’m passionate about everything I learn from him. The way he views the world, freshly, unbiased, excitedly, teaches me to let go of preconceptions and misconceptions, and accept things for what they are.

But there is also security in our relationship. I will be his mother always and forever. I will love him always and forever. I will be a part of his life always and forever.

I find passion and security in my career. When I started this blog my need for anonymity was so great that I never mentioned any personal detail about my life. I not only used initials rather than real names, I used an false initials. I never mentioned where I lived, not the city, not even the country. I was careful not to ever mention currency or any other detail that my be revealing. I never posted pictures that took myself, only images I found online. I also never said what I did for a living.

I am an elementary school teacher. And let me tell you, it’s the kind of career that fills your life with a constant flow of excitement, in my opinion like no other, which is why I have chosen it. I cannot sit behind a desk. I have to keep moving. I have a need to reinvent myself on a daily basis. I love inspiring my students. I love helping them fall in love with the world, overwhelmed by all it has to offer them. I love teaching them to have a positive approach to life.

So I have passion in my career. But I also have security. I’m great at what I do, and I’ll always have a job doing what I’m doing, for as long as I’m interested. I wake up every morning, put my son in daycare and go to work, and at the end of the school day I pick him up and take him to the playground, fix dinner, bathe him, put him to bed, and I love this routine. I also know exactly how much money will be in my bank account at the end of every month, and though it’s not a spectacular sum, this too gives me a sense of security.

My friends too fill my life with passion. They get me. We can talk into the night, dissecting our lives and reaching exciting conclusions. Spending time with them is exciting, as well as comforting. I know that they will stand by me when I fall, and this gives me a sense of security.

So why is it so farfetched that this combination of traits can be found in a partner? Why do people find it so unreasonable for me to long for a man who excites me, as well as soothes me, who is passionate and yet reliable?