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12 Feb


Divorce sucks donkey balls, just in case you were wondering.

BD is being difficult about everything. Honestly, he’s put me through hell recently, and I’m really making an enormous effort to pick up the pieces and move on with my life. I think the least he can do is step aside, and sign a decent divorce settlement. But… Get this. He wants joint custody. WTF. The man can barely make it over twice a week to see his son. He gets stuck at work and by the time he arrives it’s bed time. Or he makes plans with me to take him on a Thursday and they claims we said it was a Friday. How does he think he’s possibly going to manage taking care of a baby 50% of the time, with his mood swings, temporary apartments and his 14 hour day job? And Baby is only 8 months old. There is no way I am parting with him for three nights a week. He needs his mom. And his mom needs him.

Compartmentalizing. The kind of skill that sure would come in handy right about now. BD used to be amazing at it. We’d have a fight, and he’d push the entire saga into a little drawer in his head somewhere, and sit down watching the news, relaxing, as if nothing was wrong, while I’d be out of my mind with rage and insult. But I guess that’s me. What you see is what you get.

And here’s an example from a different angle of my life and its recent developments. Many of my friends, over the years, have acquired the skill of dating casually. I mean dating the same guy, for a while, not like a three date thing that ends quickly. I’m talking about having a guy that they see, that they’re intimate with, and keeping it casual, no hidden catch, no strings attached.

Well, these are skills that I’ve definitely NOT mastered yet. If I’m upset about something, and I don’t mean something like being cut off on the highway, I mean something big, like having my husband walk out on me and leave me with our three-month-old-baby, there is no way I can just pretend that I’m having an awesome day. You’d be able to tell by just one glance at my face that something is seriously wrong. Maybe this is why so many people on my side already know that our divorce is in progress, while on his side, many people are still oblivious. Because he can just smile and nod and pretend that there aren’t any huge life-changing events taking place at the moment.

As for dating, the thing with me is that if I’m seeing someone, who’s actually sweet enough for me to keep seeing, more than a couple of times, it’s inevitable that I’m going to develop feelings toward him. It’s just the way it is. And it doesn’t matter that it’s inconvenient, inappropriate or premature. It is what it is, and I am what I am (maybe I should issue some sort of warning).

Sometimes I wish I could force some kind of separation of the different aspects of my life. Go to work and not worry about the divorce for example. Make out with Skating Guy and not worry about getting hurt. And it does worry me, that if I can’t compartmentalize, how am I ever going to become immune to BD? He’s going to play a serious role in my life, from now and on, basically, forever. Being the Dad. Picking Baby up, spending time with him. And I’m sure once Baby starts talking and being more communicative I’m going to be seeing the two of them together, and it’s going to stir some emotions in me. Inevitable. And how the hell am I going to deal with that?