18 Days Without You

2 Feb

I really wanted to talk to you since yesterday. First, because BD and I had our last meeting with the lawyer and I wanted to tell you about the agreement. That it’s fair. Lately I haven’t been doing very well financially. I’ve been constantly chasing payments for rent, daycare, spending more than I’m making. The settlement money will help me regain some balance financially. I know you were worried for me. 

Then, last night, after my boy was in bed, I watched Castle. I haven’t watched a show in bed since things got really crappy, the last time around, a couple of months, maybe three months ago. And I wanted to tell you that episode 13 of the 7th season, was really good. You’d have liked it. Castle starts working as a P.I. and Beckett and him are racing to try and crack a case. It’s silly and cute. I’m really glad you got me hooked on it, it’s such a feel good show. 

Oh, and listen to this, last week, a kid at my school drew a picture of Katniss Everdeen holding a bow and arrow in art class, and he wrote “The Hungry Games” under it. We had a two-hour long teacher’s meeting in the art room, and I was sitting right across from it, and couldn’t get over it. You would have cracked up. 

Every time something happens, I want to tell you. It’s the big things, like the man I’m seeing and how things are going with him, and how he’s made me realize that I do want a future with a man beside me, someone I can share my life with, and not just on my night off. It’s the little things, like how I made vegetable soup and added bay leaves and a couple of kumquats to give it a citrusy aroma. 

Lately I’d been seeing a lot of you. You’d been quiet. And I’d been talking a lot to fill the void. I’ve gotten used to telling you everything, even the stuff that doesn’t matter. I’ve gotten used to thinking up things I could tell you, even at times when we saw each other every day. And now you’re gone, not even three weeks, and already I’m bursting with stories to tell you. How I was listening to Living on a Payer Friday morning, remembering you, and my boy said: “Turn that off. I don’t like it.” And I said: “It’s staying on,” So assertively, that he let it go. 

I want to tell you how hard it is not to tell you stuff anymore, like how much it sucks that you’re not around. 


One Response to “18 Days Without You”

  1. Lindsay February 3, 2015 at 1:38 am #

    I can almost feel your sense of bursting with stories, loneliness and deep ache in your heart, just reading this. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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