Demons and Instant Relationships

5 Nov

instant relationship

The demons in my head have been torturing me these last couple of days. This ALWAYS happens to me when I begin liking a guy. I know none of my feelings have anything whatsoever to do with reality, and they are all part of a huge panic attack, and yet they feel entirely valid.

He’s not into me the way I am into him.

He senses my keeness, it’ll drive him away. Better to play hard to get.

I shouldn’t have said that / done that.

He probably doesn’t even want to see me tonight, but feels bad cancelling last minute.

Truthfully, he thinks I’m fat, he’s just too nice to say it.

He’s hiding some big secret, which once revieled will hurt me deeply.

And the worst one, which is also my strongest self doubt when it comes to relationships: Eventually, I will fall in love with him, as I so easily do, and he will not love me back. Then I will get hurt. Better off back out now, before I sink deeper into this stupid affair.

One of my biggest problems in life is that I have no patience. If you’ve been following my blog, you know this is a recurring motif. I don’t really want to date anybody. I want an instant relationship, one that you pour out of a bag into a cup, mix with hot water and it simply comes into being. I want a man that knows me, knows all my triggers and how to console me, and how to touch me. I want him to love me, the way you love someone you’ve been with for a while, deeply, a kind of love that provides security, the kind of love that allows for mistakes to be made. There is no room for mistakes in the game of courting.

This man I’ve been seeing, I like him. I’d like to get to know him. He’s doing everything by the book and it isn’t enough. If he doesn’t text me in the morning, it’s a sign that he doesn’t want to see me anymore. If he does text, but the text is too plain or short, that’s a sign he felt obligated to text and had nothing he wanted to say. His only option is to constantly be super-romantic and court the fuck out of me, and then, I’ll probably think he’s coming on too strong.

I have no patience for this. It’s too fucking hard to be “on” all the time, to overthink everything. I want to just be. To not think. And the only time I’m able to do that is when I sleep with him. But then after I do, I wonder what that says to him, and how if I were really interested in him, I shouldn’t have slept with him on the second date, and how now he’ll lose interest.

Oh man, I exhaust myself sometimes.

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One Response to “Demons and Instant Relationships”

  1. reinventing the wheeler November 6, 2014 at 1:36 am #

    I completely understand your train of thought it’s so easy to second guess!!

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