Happy International Woman’s Day to a Me Still Craving Male Affirmation

8 Mar

I’m having such a blah day. The landlord to that house I want isn’t sending me the contract and I’m beginning to worry there might be something fishy going on there. I’m dying to move, but I need to let the daycare know what’s up in two days, and I’m not sure things will be final by then, or ever…

To make things worse my Boy is sick again, for the fourth time this month. High fever, not planning on going to daycare tomorrow. So mommy has to miss work, AGAIN.

And then there’s the other thing. It’s no secret that one of our most basic needs as human beings is to be touched, and it’s been really long. This sex deprivation is making me agitated in an already agitating situation. Bad for my health. And there’s not much I can do about it. I have no life, it’s all work and motherhood, and by the time I get a night off, I’m usually too tired to do anything. Then I finally get a break and my boy is healthy for an entire week, and he goes to his dad, and I go out drinking and meet a creepy weirdo who doesn’t get a hint.

My ego has really taking a blow lately. I feel unattractive, unsuccessful. Even if rationally I know I’m doing well, I feel like a failure nonetheless. And in this pool of self-pity that I’ve sort of let myself sink into today, there seems to be only one thing that can drag me out: male attention. Affirmation that does not come from within. I just really need someone to think that I’m cool right now, and that someone has to have a penis and a nice smile.

I’ve come a long way this year, but here’s something that hasn’t changed a bit: I still don’t think I’m worth a dime if I’m not constantly told I am by others.

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2 Responses to “Happy International Woman’s Day to a Me Still Craving Male Affirmation”

  1. house13um March 9, 2014 at 2:16 am #

    I feel like a fool for leaving this comment, especially since it just feeds your desire. But whatever.

    “Hey! Whoever you are! You’re pretty cool! Or at least I think so anyway, from what little bits I’ve read from your blog.”

    And yes, I am a man. Or boy. However you see a 23-year-old college student. And if any feminists decide to come in here and accuse me of expressing chauvinistic “male courtesy”, let it be known that yes, I do feel a bit shameful in posting this. But, I’m hurting now, and I can see how you have been hurting over the years. Sometimes it’s just nice for someone to reach out and say “Hey, it’s okay. Maybe not really, but, whatever. It’s okay because I say so.”

    While we’ve had completely different walks (from what I can tell) as far as our separations and my currently pending divorce go, it’s comforting to know that all the pain involved in this process is in fact normal, and not just “normal to me”. Plus, you’re a 90s woman, and I’ve always wished I could have grown up in the 90s. Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkins, Fluke, maybe a little Natalie Imbruglia if no one was around to judge me. Yeah, I understand. So you’re cool to me for that reason as well, haha.

    Keep your chin up, lady-I-do-not-know. Your blogging is having an impact, even if only in a small but significant way.

    • yulim March 9, 2014 at 5:51 pm #

      Shameful as it is you just made my day 🙂
      So thank you!
      And now I get to check out your blog, how exciting!

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