Archive | August, 2013

Up? Drunk.

19 Aug

drunk text

I wanted 2 text u – up? drunk.

But u never answered my last mail & that’s a bummer.

And u’r not emotionally available 4 a realtionship with a girl like me & that’s a turnoff.

And I think u don’t really have feelings for me like we did in the past & that’s a bummer and a turnoff.

So I’m turning off my phone, bummed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Wlhw_HJLts

Comfort Food and Contemplation

15 Aug

pasta

Pasta with tomatoes and parmesan cheese at midnight. Healthy.

Staying up to blog rather than get some sleep. Smart.

Contemplating life and trying to reach a decision. Necessary, difficult, a lost cause.

 

Here’s what I know about BD:

1. He loves me.

2. He’s a good father.

3. He wants the same things in life as me: another kid, family time, travelling.

4. He has resources to make my life comfortable financially.

5. He’s willing to do whatever it takes to make us work.

6. He’s a slob.

7. He’s chronically late, everywhere.

8. He’s not really passionate about anything.

 

Here’s what I know about me:

1. I love who I am when I’m alone, I’m scared of losing myself in a relationship. I have before.

2. I’m a great mother, I’m sure I make mistakes, but I give it my all, 24/7 and I do more than just all right.

3. I can do it on my own. I’m just not sure I want to.

4. I do still care for BD.

5. There’s only so much I’m willing to do to make things work between us.

6. I feel happy when my house, schedule and emotions are tidy and neat. I need order.

7. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive BD for what he put me through when he left me abruptly with a 4 month old baby. 

8. I seek passion in every aspect of my life.

 

And there you have it.

No conclusions, just thoughts.

No light bulbs or ‘Eureka’s, just midnight pasta and contemplation.

Time Heals

7 Aug

time heals

Exhausted after a very long day, a very long week, a very long few months. When was it that SG and I broke up? It feels like forever ago. Sometimes time does heal all wounds. Or maybe it wasn’t as big a wound as I thought.

Isn’t it weird that you can be so utterly obsessed with something, or someone, and then wake up one morning and just be over it? I will always cherish my time with SG. He came into my life like nothing less than a miracle, and gave me everything I needed at the time. But I’m in a different place now, and the things that I need, that I long for in a relationship – I cannot get from him. And there you have it.

I’ve been drowning myself in work, and pulling out Carlos (my new vibrant purple purchase) on occasion to release some stress. I’ve never owned a vibrator before, and I have to admit, it’s really a huge improvement in the quality of my life. No strings attatched, no long talks, no sleeping together, no where-is-this-going mornings. Just orgasms whenever I want them, however I want them.

And that’s what I’ve been doing. Drowning in the buzz of everyday life is my way of healing. And I am. Gradually.

My sweet boy has started calling me papa. Yes, I realize I’m his mom. But it’s the most darling thing ever, really. He also calls his grandma papa, as well as basically, every other adult that he’s fond of. He’s also started running, and he’s been climbing like crazy on the sofas and the coffee table, and chairs around the house. His evergy is soothing, I look at him in his crazed search of something to climb on, and I know that everything is going to be alright.

Nex week I’m taking some time off to spend with him. We’ll be travelling with my family and sleeping over at a friend’s house in the country. I look forward to shutting off my computer and my mind, with the hopes that I’ve healed enough to deal with the stillness and solitude of me and my boy, quality time.