Not Too Much to Ask

21 Jul
In bloom every spring.

In bloom every spring.

I seek passion in my life.  But I also seek security.

My therapist thinks my expectations are unrealistic. She thinks what made SG so exciting, what made our relationship so fabulously passionate was the fact that there was no security there, it wasn’t going anywhere, it was clearly temporary. I disagree. I think it was insanely, intoxicatingly passionate, but it became even more so the closer we became, the more I trusted him, the more I let myself believe that it was going to last.

Is it really such an oxymoron, to find passion and security in one man?

I find this magical combination of both passion and security in many different aspects of my life. Motherhood is by far the most prominent. I am head over heals for my little boy. I’m in love with every little brown curl, and overly grown toenail that I struggle to clip as he squirms and squeals. I’m passionate about teaching him everything I know about the world and directing him to look and see the things which are most important to me, showing him by example and helping him learn to deal with difficulty and pain as well as embrace the beauty and pleasures of life. I’m passionate about everything I learn from him. The way he views the world, freshly, unbiased, excitedly, teaches me to let go of preconceptions and misconceptions, and accept things for what they are.

But there is also security in our relationship. I will be his mother always and forever. I will love him always and forever. I will be a part of his life always and forever.

I find passion and security in my career. When I started this blog my need for anonymity was so great that I never mentioned any personal detail about my life. I not only used initials rather than real names, I used an false initials. I never mentioned where I lived, not the city, not even the country. I was careful not to ever mention currency or any other detail that my be revealing. I never posted pictures that took myself, only images I found online. I also never said what I did for a living.

I am an elementary school teacher. And let me tell you, it’s the kind of career that fills your life with a constant flow of excitement, in my opinion like no other, which is why I have chosen it. I cannot sit behind a desk. I have to keep moving. I have a need to reinvent myself on a daily basis. I love inspiring my students. I love helping them fall in love with the world, overwhelmed by all it has to offer them. I love teaching them to have a positive approach to life.

So I have passion in my career. But I also have security. I’m great at what I do, and I’ll always have a job doing what I’m doing, for as long as I’m interested. I wake up every morning, put my son in daycare and go to work, and at the end of the school day I pick him up and take him to the playground, fix dinner, bathe him, put him to bed, and I love this routine. I also know exactly how much money will be in my bank account at the end of every month, and though it’s not a spectacular sum, this too gives me a sense of security.

My friends too fill my life with passion. They get me. We can talk into the night, dissecting our lives and reaching exciting conclusions. Spending time with them is exciting, as well as comforting. I know that they will stand by me when I fall, and this gives me a sense of security.

So why is it so farfetched that this combination of traits can be found in a partner? Why do people find it so unreasonable for me to long for a man who excites me, as well as soothes me, who is passionate and yet reliable?

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One Response to “Not Too Much to Ask”

  1. empowerandtransformwithlifecoaching July 30, 2013 at 1:28 am #

    I support your longing for passion and security in a relationship! When someone thinks it is far-fetched to find a combination as such, that means they do not know what it feels like. And if they do not know what it feels like, then they never experienced it!

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