Naked Bathroom Search and Party of Five

11 May

party of five

The Dream

So in this one I was in BD’s old apartment, where he lived with his parents when we just started dating. And he and I were having sex for the first time in his bedroom, only he wasn’t really BD, he kind of looked like him, but he was different. I remember thinking, OK, he’s not really amazing… but there’s potential there. Then we were done and I wanted to go to the bathroom, but his parents were home, and for some reason the option of putting my clothes back on did not occur to me. So I tried to sneak out into the hallway naked and find the bathroom.

Then, suddenly, I was at a red carpet event, and weirdly, talking to the cast of Party of Five (Yeah, I know). They were all there and they were as young as they’d been when the show aired. I remember specifically Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt were talking about this other series they had done before Party of Five, and how this one was so much better.

Finally, there I was at BD’s parents’ house again, looking for the bathroom. I met his mom in the hall, and she directed me, thankfully ignoring the fact that I was totally naked. Once I got to the bathroom though, I realized that there was a door directly from BD’s bedroom to the bathroom. It was weird, because the bathroom was tiny, but still had two doors, and I realized that BD probably had it put in specially.

Interpretation

Working on it with BD means that he’s going to have to change, just as I’ve changed dramatically these past almost-eight-months that we’ve been a apart. So the BD whose bedroom I entered in the dream was different, but he also resembled more of the BD I fell in love with in the year 2000, when I was hooked on Party of Five, BTW.

Why Party of Five? I don’t know. I guess the show represents a nontraditional family to me, one that can still find happiness despite facing great difficulty. So maybe they represent not getting back together with BD, but rather pursuing a different road, a road to nontraditional happiness. After all, this show is much better than the previous one, at least Neve and Jennifer think so.

But if BD and I do get back together, I need to  know that things will be different. Maybe not dramatically. He won’t become a different person. He’ll still be him, just like his old room was still pretty much the same in the dream, just like the bathroom was still tiny, and there were still a lot of inconveniences. But – he might have a door put in specially, to make my life easier. He might make more of an effort to accommodate my needs.

Ambivalence

Working at it with BD is turning out to be harder than I thought, especially since, well, we’re NOT working on it. He’s still on his business trip, we hardly even talk on the phone, and I’m basically spending most of my time moping around and missing SG. The more I think about it, the more it confuses me. Every day I find it more difficult still to explain to myself why on earth I gave up something that made me so happy for something that so far, has only brought me misery.  The weird thing is that all my life I’ve been a super decisive person. I don’t remember EVER debating over a decision like this. I always know what I want, and I’m also aware that my decisions may not always be right, but that at least I’m making them and moving on. And here, for the first time in my life, I am truly unable to make a decision. It’s so fucking hard, it really feels like it’s tearing my up inside. To be honest, I’ve never had much empathy for BD’s indecisiveness. It always drove me nuts that he couldn’t make up his mind about anything. And now, for the first time, I get it. At least, I kind of get it.

But I also don’t think I’d be having such a hard time with this if he were here, and we were actually working at it, rather than keeping things on hold, which is BD’s specialty.

Part of the reason I want to give BD a shot, is that I want Baby to have a traditional mother-father-child family. I want him to have a brother or a sister. I want to have big family dinners with grandparents, and uncles and aunts and cousins. But going back to that, means going back to that tiny bedroom. It means going back to a relationship that confines my happiness. It might be more convenient this time, I might be more comfortable than I had been. But if I’m brave, I can say FUCK EVERYTHING, and continue living my fabulously difficult life. So I guess that’s the decision really. isn’t it?

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