A Silver Lining?

2 May

silver lining

I feel like shit. This is terrible. Fuck.

I spent this week watching my Louis CK, eating junk, and not getting any work done. Really the only parts of my week that I feel proud of, the only parts that make me feel that I’m a normal functioning adult, are when I’m with my boy. Taking him to day care. Playing at the park. Taking a bath. Having dinner. That I can do. It actually makes me feel better, doing that. It reminds me of my purpose. Life’s not all a load of crap, there’s this beautiful thing in my life, this treasure, that looks at me and smiles and drools, and climbs and pinches and tugs at my hair like I’m his giant toy. Pretty soon he’s going to start calling me mom, and that’ll be insane. Wow.

BUT, when I’m not taking care of my little treasure, that’s when I remember stuff. I remember how bad it was when BD left and how I swore I would never let anyone hurt me like that again. And I wonder if I”m a big idiot for agreeing to go to therapy with him, when all I feel for him is anger. I remember how SG made me happy and how I ended it because we didn’t want the same things from life. I remember how he said things to me that showed me that he really listened to me and understood me. And I remember how I sometimes felt that BD never really got me. How he’d say things that had the subtext of – money equals success and I how I didn’t like that. How he was always late and how it made me feel like I didn’t matter to him. How he had taken his ring off two months before he moved out and let me think he’d lost it, when really – he just didn’t want to wear it anymore. SG would never do that. He’d tell me the truth.

I’m not saying I want SG back, even though I do miss him terribly. So much that it makes my chest hurt. But I know it wouldn’t have lasted. I’m saying, well, that it sucks. That it hurts. That I feel more angry at BD than I did when I had another man in my life. That I feel less hopeful that it’ll work out with him. Honestly, I think a part of me wants this to fail. A part of me just wants to be free to find my next SG, someone sensitive, insightful and happy, but this time someone who wants the same things out of life as me.

I’ll say this though, and maybe it can be the silver lining of this gloomy post: Despite the pain I’m in now, I have no regrets. I’m not sorry I let BD go and didn’t fight for him to stay. If I’d put up a fight, we might have gone to therapy sooner, we might have worked things out, we might not be on our way to a divorce. But it would have been awful, I wouldn’t be able to live with the feeling that I had pressured him to stay when he wanted to go. I’d always doubt that he really wanted to be with us.

And I’m not sorry I let myself love SG. If I had had my shield up, it could have just been a fling, something light to distract me and then exit my life with no real damage. But no, I got more out of loving SG than I lost from saying goodbye to him.




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