Archive | May, 2013

Back to My Future

31 May

Back to the Future

Baby has been sick this week, and I was home with him, cleaning his vomit, coaxing him to drink water and consoling all 11 kilos of him in my arms for hours… This morning, when he finally went down for his nap, I collapsed in bed and fell asleep at once.

Suddenly, I was on the set of Back to the Future, and it was being filmed. I wasn’t really taking part in the movie, but I was more than an observer, it’s like I was an extra, just there. I remember thinking to myself, hey, I’ve seen this, it’s a great movie. Yes, I know that’s weird since it was just being filmed, but you know, it’s a dream. Then Baby woke up and nap time was over.

This past month has been a trip back to the past for me, and it hasn’t been easy. I know I’m having a hard time when I have a need to blog every single day, and I’ve had times like that. But I also know I’m having a horrible time when I don’t blog at all, and I haven’t been. I was doing much better, getting used to my new life as a single mom, thinking about the future, making plans, living as I wanted to live. This couple’s therapy thing with BD is really getting to me. It’s making me feel like I’m regressing. I’m sad again, I feel less in control of my life, I get to the end of every day feeling like I need a drink, or make that three. Last night I stared at the TV for an hour. I know most people do that on a regular basis, but I don’t. It wasn’t even a show I enjoyed, it was just some stupid reality show that I hate and find degrading towards women.

I’ve made a decision to keep this up for two months (one down, one to go), and I hope I get what I’m looking for at the end of this process: closure, certainty, confidence that I’m doing the right thing. But in the meantime, I’m craving that future that just a short while ago seemed so close and now seems farther than ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1i5coU-0_Q

 

The Many Many “Me”s in Me

15 May

Many "Me"s

My friend R has a theory that we are basically managed by many different “Me”s, who have different needs, different interests, and don’t always get along. There’s the Emotional Me – in my case, she just wants to be loved. She wants to be accepted for who she is, by a man, I’m sorry to say, because she needs that validation, she needs it to know that she’s good enough. She’s like a little girl, seeking warmth, wishing to be taken care of. She’s been pretty dominant in my life in the past couple of months. There’s the Independent Me – She says fuck it. I can do it on my own. I HAVE to do it on my own to prove to myself that I can. If I always depend on others, I’m always going to be let down and hurt. There’s no way I’m letting anyone let me down again, ever. I have to protect myself and all the other “Me”s. And the only way to protect us all from having our hearts broken is not to let anyone in. I guess Independent Me is also Protective Me. There’s Logical Me – She’s very level headed and target oriented. She has an excel file filled with lists and numbers for every single aspect of life, including love. She wants me to get a vibrator BTW because she thinks I’m too horny to make decisions these days.

There are other “Me”s too. I don’t even think I’m aware of them all: There’s Mother Me, there’s Sexy Me, there’s Career Woman Me, and Fun Me, and Over-analyzing Blogger Me. All of them want to be heard and given a place in my life, and ignoring any of them is not an option.

My friend R says that our psyche is like a tree. When given suitable conditions it grows wildly, in every direction. But build a wall on its side and it will become deformed, growing in all directions except one. All the needs of all the “Me”s have to be met eventually, even though they often contradict each other. It’s like being a mother of ten kids. You have to take care of them all, you can’t just groom the eldest and let the others die of deprivation.

Luckily, there’s one Me, who steps in at times of contradiction, at times of crisis – Super Me. Super Me isn’t always around, but she’s summoned when things get out of hand. She steps in and says, Jesus, what a mess you’ve made here. When are you ever going to learn to get along? Then she sighs, rolls her eyes, and starts delivering orders: You, Emotional Me, step aside. I know what you want, and you’re going to get it, but not now. Sit down and wait patiently. And you, Sexy Me! Give everyone a break and just buy a freaken vibrator, will you? Where the hell is Logical Me when I need her? Hey, where have you been for the last two months, what were you taking a nap? Get back to work, can’t you see we’re in the middle of a crisis here?

Well, just wanted to let you all know that Super Me is back. And while Emotional Me is pouting on the side, most of us are relieved and eager to see how she gets us out of this one.

Naked Bathroom Search and Party of Five

11 May

party of five

The Dream

So in this one I was in BD’s old apartment, where he lived with his parents when we just started dating. And he and I were having sex for the first time in his bedroom, only he wasn’t really BD, he kind of looked like him, but he was different. I remember thinking, OK, he’s not really amazing… but there’s potential there. Then we were done and I wanted to go to the bathroom, but his parents were home, and for some reason the option of putting my clothes back on did not occur to me. So I tried to sneak out into the hallway naked and find the bathroom.

Then, suddenly, I was at a red carpet event, and weirdly, talking to the cast of Party of Five (Yeah, I know). They were all there and they were as young as they’d been when the show aired. I remember specifically Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt were talking about this other series they had done before Party of Five, and how this one was so much better.

Finally, there I was at BD’s parents’ house again, looking for the bathroom. I met his mom in the hall, and she directed me, thankfully ignoring the fact that I was totally naked. Once I got to the bathroom though, I realized that there was a door directly from BD’s bedroom to the bathroom. It was weird, because the bathroom was tiny, but still had two doors, and I realized that BD probably had it put in specially.

Interpretation

Working on it with BD means that he’s going to have to change, just as I’ve changed dramatically these past almost-eight-months that we’ve been a apart. So the BD whose bedroom I entered in the dream was different, but he also resembled more of the BD I fell in love with in the year 2000, when I was hooked on Party of Five, BTW.

Why Party of Five? I don’t know. I guess the show represents a nontraditional family to me, one that can still find happiness despite facing great difficulty. So maybe they represent not getting back together with BD, but rather pursuing a different road, a road to nontraditional happiness. After all, this show is much better than the previous one, at least Neve and Jennifer think so.

But if BD and I do get back together, I need to  know that things will be different. Maybe not dramatically. He won’t become a different person. He’ll still be him, just like his old room was still pretty much the same in the dream, just like the bathroom was still tiny, and there were still a lot of inconveniences. But – he might have a door put in specially, to make my life easier. He might make more of an effort to accommodate my needs.

Ambivalence

Working at it with BD is turning out to be harder than I thought, especially since, well, we’re NOT working on it. He’s still on his business trip, we hardly even talk on the phone, and I’m basically spending most of my time moping around and missing SG. The more I think about it, the more it confuses me. Every day I find it more difficult still to explain to myself why on earth I gave up something that made me so happy for something that so far, has only brought me misery.  The weird thing is that all my life I’ve been a super decisive person. I don’t remember EVER debating over a decision like this. I always know what I want, and I’m also aware that my decisions may not always be right, but that at least I’m making them and moving on. And here, for the first time in my life, I am truly unable to make a decision. It’s so fucking hard, it really feels like it’s tearing my up inside. To be honest, I’ve never had much empathy for BD’s indecisiveness. It always drove me nuts that he couldn’t make up his mind about anything. And now, for the first time, I get it. At least, I kind of get it.

But I also don’t think I’d be having such a hard time with this if he were here, and we were actually working at it, rather than keeping things on hold, which is BD’s specialty.

Part of the reason I want to give BD a shot, is that I want Baby to have a traditional mother-father-child family. I want him to have a brother or a sister. I want to have big family dinners with grandparents, and uncles and aunts and cousins. But going back to that, means going back to that tiny bedroom. It means going back to a relationship that confines my happiness. It might be more convenient this time, I might be more comfortable than I had been. But if I’m brave, I can say FUCK EVERYTHING, and continue living my fabulously difficult life. So I guess that’s the decision really. isn’t it?

Late Nights and Business Trips

4 May

silver lining

BD went on another business trip. This time he made sure it would be no longer than ten days, because last time, when he was away for three weeks, his four month old baby hardly recognized him when he got back. In June he’s going again, and it sounds like there’s going to be another trip coming up at the end of the summer. I get that his job requires travelling, I do. I also get that he has bosses and can’t just do whatever he wants. Still, if it were me, and my marriage was – not falling apart – but rather had already fallen apart, and I was facing my one final chance to make things right with the woman I love, who is the mother of my child, and who has decided miraculously, kindly, to grant me two months of “working at it”, even though I don’t deserve them, if it were me, I would do everything in my power to avoid going away on business three times in three months.

The weird thing is that I’m not upset about it. I actually don’t really care that much. I think it was just too much work to care all the time about all of his stupid mistakes, so I just stopped. When he told me he was going away and that there was another trip coming up next month, I just thought to myself – Fine. Go.

The clock is ticking. I gave BD two months to see if there is any point for us to try and get back together. I am fully aware that our problems will not be solved in two months, but I do hope to gain knowledge on whether or not it’s worth trying. I stopped my life, put everything on hold, committed to two meetings a week, to therapy, to opening up my mind, my heart, to the idea of forgiving him, and I am willing to carry this out for two moths exactly. I’m not  giving it a second more than that. I just can’t.

If BD really wants me back – he’s going to have to prove to me that I can trust him again. But he’s also going to have to convince me that it’ll be worthwhile for me to trust him, that I will gain something from investing the time, energy, and vulnerability into making things right with him. I really don’t see myself going through all of that emotional turmoil, dissecting everything that’s wrong between us, arguing, crying, opening up to him again –  just to remain a single mom, to be home alone with our son while he’s working late hours, nights, and weekends and going away every month or two. If that’s what the deal is, I’m taking a pass. If that’s all he has to offer me, I’m going to wait until I find someone who has more to offer.

A Silver Lining?

2 May

silver lining

I feel like shit. This is terrible. Fuck.

I spent this week watching my Louis CK, eating junk, and not getting any work done. Really the only parts of my week that I feel proud of, the only parts that make me feel that I’m a normal functioning adult, are when I’m with my boy. Taking him to day care. Playing at the park. Taking a bath. Having dinner. That I can do. It actually makes me feel better, doing that. It reminds me of my purpose. Life’s not all a load of crap, there’s this beautiful thing in my life, this treasure, that looks at me and smiles and drools, and climbs and pinches and tugs at my hair like I’m his giant toy. Pretty soon he’s going to start calling me mom, and that’ll be insane. Wow.

BUT, when I’m not taking care of my little treasure, that’s when I remember stuff. I remember how bad it was when BD left and how I swore I would never let anyone hurt me like that again. And I wonder if I”m a big idiot for agreeing to go to therapy with him, when all I feel for him is anger. I remember how SG made me happy and how I ended it because we didn’t want the same things from life. I remember how he said things to me that showed me that he really listened to me and understood me. And I remember how I sometimes felt that BD never really got me. How he’d say things that had the subtext of – money equals success and I how I didn’t like that. How he was always late and how it made me feel like I didn’t matter to him. How he had taken his ring off two months before he moved out and let me think he’d lost it, when really – he just didn’t want to wear it anymore. SG would never do that. He’d tell me the truth.

I’m not saying I want SG back, even though I do miss him terribly. So much that it makes my chest hurt. But I know it wouldn’t have lasted. I’m saying, well, that it sucks. That it hurts. That I feel more angry at BD than I did when I had another man in my life. That I feel less hopeful that it’ll work out with him. Honestly, I think a part of me wants this to fail. A part of me just wants to be free to find my next SG, someone sensitive, insightful and happy, but this time someone who wants the same things out of life as me.

I’ll say this though, and maybe it can be the silver lining of this gloomy post: Despite the pain I’m in now, I have no regrets. I’m not sorry I let BD go and didn’t fight for him to stay. If I’d put up a fight, we might have gone to therapy sooner, we might have worked things out, we might not be on our way to a divorce. But it would have been awful, I wouldn’t be able to live with the feeling that I had pressured him to stay when he wanted to go. I’d always doubt that he really wanted to be with us.

And I’m not sorry I let myself love SG. If I had had my shield up, it could have just been a fling, something light to distract me and then exit my life with no real damage. But no, I got more out of loving SG than I lost from saying goodbye to him.