OVERWHELMED

5 Mar

I know from experience to discredit any thought or emotion that comes to surface when I am sick and sleep deprived. But that’s easier said than done. To be honest, I don’t remember feeling this lost, confused or overwhelmed since highschool.

I’ll begin with the disclaimer. Baby has been feverish and pukey for the past 48 hours, refusing to eat, sleep and generally difficult to manage. His mama, has a bad cold and hasn’t been getting much sleep. The emotional messiness I am about to describe here is without a doubt linked to all of this, and yet it feels very valid nonetheless.

BD wants to get back togehter, I’ve mentioned this in one of my previous posts. I said no, but he’s been persistent. I had spent a week trying to stir up those emotions I used to feel towards him, a feeling of closeness, affection, attraction, but the harder I tried, the more I got nothing. I’d become numb to him. Even kissing him didn’t stir any emotion in me. I was trying him on like an old pair of jeans, trying to see if they still fit, and they didn’t. Although sometimes I’m not so sure if I was really trying. Maybe I was just looking at this pair of jeans and saying, naaaah, too tight.

Then, there’s SG, who’s entered my life without warning, through the back door, and without paying attention or intending to do so, I found myself in a relationship with another man, when all I wanted was a date, a light make out session, something to help me get over the breakup. I was looking for a transition guy, and I fell in, well, I don’t know. I’m definitely NOT ready for what it means to be seriously involved with someone else, especially now, that BD seems to be hanging onto me with all his might. He’s really not letting me go. But I already feel what I feel and I can’t just pretend that I don’t. What a mess.

We’ve had The Talk about five times by now, BD and I. The one where I tell him that I don’t want to get back together and he tells me I’m making a mistake and that he loves me and that we should give it a chance. The harder he pushes me, the more I want to let go of him. But it also makes me feel that what I’m doing with SG is terribly wrong. Rationally, I tell myself that he left me, no, he left us, which is so much worse, that I’m entitled to get love from someone else if he doesn’t want to give it to me. This rationalization has worked fine as long as he stayed away, but now that he wants to get back together, it doesn’t seem convincing anymore.

SG and I went to an art exhibition the other day, and it was the first time I’d ever been out with him in public in broad daylight. We didn’t hold hands or anything, we really just went to see the show, but it felt like I was doing something bad and somebody would find out, and I got comepletely panicky and freaked out.

There are other things on my mind too, that have nothing to do with this boy drama that are stressing me out, and it just felt at that moment that there was no more room in my heart for anything. There’s too much stuff in there already. All I wanted to do was empty myself from all these emotions and just stick to the basics for a minute. Baby and I. Both of us well, eating, sleeping, taking a walk.

After the freak out, we sat on my sofa and SG got me  a glass of water and put his arms around me and said it was OK and to tell him what I needed. And I wanted to tell him two things: 1. I need some space. 2. Don’t stop holding me. But they were too contradictory so
I said nothing. Then I got a call from Baby’s daycare to come pick him up because he had a fever, and I left SG abruptly and rushed to get Baby and felt guilty, as if he’d gotten sick becuase I was having an affair. Is that what this is, by the way?

BD came over that night to see Baby and I was a mess, and when I saw him with Baby I started to cry, and I let him hold me, and that’s when I felt  it, that thing I had been searching for. That emotion towards him. And when I felt it, it made me cry harder and it confused me even more than I had been. Because here he was, father of my child, the man I had loved for 13 years, the man I married, the man I knew better than anyone else. And he was tired, and sad, but he was there. He said something like: you can’t carry all the world’s sorrow on your shoulders, and even though that’s not what I was doing, it touched me, because it showed that he knew me, because that’s something that I tend to do. And I can get it back now if I choose to. I can decide to forgive his abandonment. I can decide to give him another chance. It’s up to me now, and it was somehow easier when it wasn’t.

And here I am now, a few days later and not much better. Baby’s in his baby carrier which is almost the only thing that seems to soothe him and I found the perfect spot for my laptop, on top of our mineral water dispenser, it’s high up enough that I can type while standing up with baby in his carrier, swaying from side to side to console him. And that’s where things stand.

This post is going to end with no insights, no motivational words, no conclusions. In fact, I think I’m going to try to get through the next few days without making any decisions at all. That seems like it might be a good idea. And I guess after that we’ll see.

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4 Responses to “OVERWHELMED”

  1. Huggable Baker March 5, 2013 at 2:08 pm #

    Wow. Our life stories are so similar it’s scary.
    The years together, the abandonment, my trying to move on after being shit all over. The minute someone else started paying attention to me BD was back, sobbing, begging me to come back. I felt numb as well. How could he do all of that and have the gall to ask me back?
    At the same time the thing with the other guy was crazy deep, when all I wanted was a nice date. And I wasn’t officially divorced, although we were very close to finishing the agreement. I felt anxious, I kept looking over my shoulder, would I get in trouble? That passed.
    For me it’s been 3 years with the new guy. Yup, he stuck around. Maybe he’s attracted to crazy women, who knows. But it’s so much more awesome than BD.
    Hugs

    • yulim March 5, 2013 at 2:20 pm #

      Thanks so much for your comment. Sounds like you’re in a much better place now. Hopefully I’m on my way there too.

  2. Jacqueline March 6, 2013 at 2:07 am #

    I just happened to come across your blog a couple days ago. I had googled something along the lines of, no friends single mom. Of course a ton of stuff popped up, but your site was the only thing not from some P.h.D that was taught in school how someone like me (single mom, no friends, never gets a break) might be going through and has all the answers that don’t work for me. But reading this post I just had to say something! While it has been a million and a half years since my ex husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, cheated on me, it wasn’t until I stopped giving him the time of day that he said he wanted to get back together. “I love you” “It was a stupid mistake” “I will never do that to you again, because you are the one for me”, all of the things he would slew at me. And yes eventually we got back together, had another child, but in the end it didn’t last for that much longer. The only reason, and it took me a long time to be comfortable with this thought, that it was good that we got back together is because we had a son. Now being a whole lot wiser and older, 33. I would never get back with someone that either cheated on me, or just up and left me with our child.

    BD and you were together for quite a while, and then it just ends and now he wants to get back together??? I say, if there is even the smallest thought in your head that you want to be with him again, really take some time to think about what you expect from him the second time around. If he doesn’t like what you want, then it’s not worth it. But if you know for sure you will not be with him again, then tell him he needs to respect your decision and keep bothering you about it. Children can sometimes add new things to the relationship that can be overwhelming and makes someone want to run.

    I’ve been single for nine years, and while I get lonely and miss having someone pay attention to me, plus it has taken a while to get used to being alone. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything! I was finally able to figure out what “I” enjoy and want in my life, without worrying if it will work for my partner. I have done things I know I would have never been able to do in a relationship, and I am thankful for the things I have been able to experience.

    I still have every single letter, note, picture, even clothing my ex-husband bought for me. Every once in a while I will look through it all, or show some of it with our children. I used to get upset when looking at everything, because I was sad at what once was, but not anymore. That was just a chapter that didn’t work, but finished how it was suppose to and there isn’t anything that can change it. Plus I look at the marriage his wife, my ex-roommate, is “stuck” in with him. Yeah, I made the right choice!!!

    ~A new reader!

  3. simpleijustdo March 11, 2013 at 3:29 am #

    Take care of you and Baby. Everything else can wait. Hugs!

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