A Punch in the Face

3 Feb

punch

Our first divorce meeting, and the realization that things cannot happen overnight and that I’m looking at a two-three month process at minimum, is like a punch in the face from reality. There I was opening up to someone new, and here it is suddenly dawning on me that I am not available, and won’t be for quite some time. Should I not care? Should I go ahead and date nevertheless? Probably. Can I do it? Not so sure. It feels like sneaking around, and a part of me is questioning whether it’s worth the stress.

To make things worse, BD seems to want to carry the divorce out slowly, so we can both “process” stuff. How can I tell him that I’m done “processing”? Maybe I move fast. Maybe 5 months of being separated is not that long in comparison to 13 years of being together. But I have reached the point of no return. And it’s not because of ice-skating-instructor-guy, although the presence of an interesting, positive, affectionate man in my life does give me a boost of confidence.

Regardless, it’s too late. It’s too late for me to forgive BD for his abandonment. If he had left us and come back after a month, two months, three, if he had shown remorse, if he’s explained what he’d been going through, if he’d agreed to see a therapist together, if-if-if-if… But he didn’t. And it’s just too late now. I’m gradually accepting the fact that we are parting. And the separation is growing on me. I’m getting used to the independence. I’m beginning to believe that I can pull this thing off on my own and do a great job. I’m literally sick of BD’s negative energies. I feel like from now on, there is only room for positivity in my life.

So I’ve processed. And I want the formalities done with, quickly. And I don’t want to feel like I’m doing something wrong, only because I’ve unexpectedly encountered someone who wants to spend time with me, listen to what I’ve got to say, and kiss me, and make me happy. I think I deserve that, no matter what my formal status is. Don’t I?

A punch in the face. That’s exactly what this morning felt like. Arguing about money, custody, realizing that this is what my life is going to be about in the coming months. Well, listen up reality. You can punch me in the face all you like. I might get knocked down and have little birds and stars circling my head like some Looney Toons character. But a word of warning. I’m a trained kick boxer and I know how to punch back.

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