Candy in Bed

25 Dec

toys

I’ve decided to start a detox diet and give up sweets, which is why I’m sitting in bed eating gummy worms. I know it sounds illogical, but there are several reasonable explanations for my recklessness. 1. I need one last binge before I give this stuff up for good (again). 2. I have no backbone. 3. I’m a single mom with a teething baby who’s not letting me sleep, trying to get over my husband leaving and pull my life back together so give me a freakin break.

This is not turning out to be an easy week. And it’s only Tuesday. I wish I was Christian; at least there would be Christmas to be merry about. Instead I’m sad, I’m irritable, I’m very very tired. I think it’s just now beginning to sink in that my marriage is over, and that feels rotten on so many levels. I feel like I’ve failed, but also like I’ve been let down, I’m disappointed, I’m angry, but I’m also still in love, and the last time I was into a guy who didn’t like me back I was in high school, so I kind of feel like I’m in high school again, only with a job, a baby, slightly higher self-esteem, and a few extra pounds.

January is right around the corner, and in February I have to reserve a spot for my boy in day care for September. So I’ve been looking around and checking some places out. Day care, as it turns out is ridiculously expensive. Seriously, you could go to college for what private day care costs.

I’m also trying to figure out work for next year. How I’m going to juggle making money, having a kid and not feeling like I’m not spending any time with him, and being newly single, dealing with the repercussions of the breakup, healing and getting back out there.

It feels like a lot, like too much. And even when I manage to get some sleep, I just feel exhausted and worn out. Honestly, the only thing I know for sure right now, is that I’ve eaten too much candy and I’m nauseous. And oh my god, I’m so exhausted, that I absolutely cannot even finish writing this post. I’m hitting the sack.

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