My Own Personal Growth Spurt

16 Dec

toysI had a dream about my son the other night. It was morning, and I had woken up and gone to his crib. I found him crawling around, much faster and more confidently than he has been until now. I thought to myself, wow, he must have had a growth spurt last night; he seems so much more advanced than he was yesterday.

As I came closer to him, he suddenly pushed back and sat down, picking up a toy and playing with it. Again, he did this as if it was nothing new. And I thought to myself, that’s strange, how could I have missed him learning how to do that. But then, just as I was thinking this, he grabbed the bars on his crib and pulled himself up, and just stood there, looking at me, smiling, as if to say, mom, look what I can do!

He looked healthy and happy, confident in himself and his abilities, confident that he was loved. I felt a surge of love him at that moment, and I knew he loved me back by the way he smiled at me. As I watched him, I realized that I was dreaming, and I was grateful for the dream. I felt like I had been given a sneak peek into our future. Not the very far future, but sometime within the next few months, when things will have settled a bit, when there won’t be so much constant emotional turmoil on my end.

What I saw was good. I saw my boy growing, developing, learning. And I know that like him, I am growing, developing and learning too. Sometimes I feel like I try to rush forward. Maybe I push too hard. Maybe I need some time, to let everything sink it, to fully grasp what is happening to me – to us. Because unlike what happened in my dream, I’m not going to get up one day and realize that I am over BD. Just like Baby’s development, my recovery will also be gradual. I will fall a hundred times before I can stand on both legs, confident as my boy was in my dream, and smile.

But I know that it will happen. It’s a matter of time. I have to be patient (and I suck at being patient, it’s my worst flaw). And while I’m anxious to be over it, I also know that this is a special time for me. A time of growth. And in a way, it’s comforting to know that it’s not all going to happen overnight. It’s good that I get to be present in this process, experience it. And it’s so very special, that as I watch my baby grow, he can watch his mother grow, developing her confidence and strength, to become the mother that he deserves.


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