Consistently Good is Good

10 Dec

I’ve managed to stay consistently happy for the last four days.

This is quite an accomplishment. On the other hand, it’s troubling, let me explain why.

Since Baby Daddy left, things have been shaky with me, lots of lows, lots of highs. My mood has been prone to dramatic changes, not on a daily basis, but on an hourly basis. Baby sleeps through the night, so I wake up exhilarated and energetic, excited about my new life, about making it on my own, feeling strong… But then something happens. The sitter calls in sick. Everything sucks. I have to change my plans. I hate changing my plans. We ran out of toilet paper. How did I let this happen? How am I supposed to run my life and be a mother if I can’t even run a household where there is always toilet paper in the bathroom. This is it. I’m doomed. And it’s all Baby Daddy’s fault. I hate Baby Daddy. I hate everyone!! Except for Baby. Awwwe look, he’s chewing on his guitar again, such a sweet boy, you want some milk my darling? Let me sing you a song. Oh, I love singing. And I love singing to you, Baby. I can’t believe how blessed I am to have you in my life, and to have singing in my life. The sun is shining. Isn’t it nice when you can look outside, see the sun, and just really appreciate it? I mean, isn’t it nice when you can just be happy and content with what you have? Shit. I spilled my coffee all over the play school. Crap crap crap. I HATE this!! Why does everything have to be so hard ALL THE TIME??? And now I’m crying. It’s not fair. My good jeans are all stained now, and I don’t have time to wash them, and I’m going out later and now I’m going to look ugly, because the only jeans that actually fit me are stained with coffee.

Get the picture? Not very stable.

So now, here’s what I’m thinking. Consistently good is good, it’s great. And these past four days, they’ve been good. I started a new job that I love, I’m feeling satisfied and appreciated. I hit on a guy. I’m actually thinking about men again, and not just sulking about how I’m never ever going to have sex again. I’m beginning to establish a routine with a fairly good balance of work and play. I’m doing some work around the house and that’s making me feel good, all the organizing, reupholstering the sofas. I’m reading silly romance novels on my kindle, curled up in bed with a cup of tea, listening to the rain fall outside my window.

 BUT – there’s always a but, isn’t there? – If this high is consistent, it makes me wonder, does that mean that when the low comes, that it’ll be consistent as well? Because I don’t think I can deal with a consistent low right now. That’s just going to be too hard.

Well, I guess it doesn’t matter, because there’s no way of knowing what going to come. If I’m high now, I may as well enjoy it. Get some work done. See what happens. Hope for the best.

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