8 Dec

It’s been a confusing week, but the weekend has been crystal clear.

I was happy this weekend, happier than I’ve been in a while. Not crazy-in-love-with-my-Baby happy. Not finally-figuring-things-out happy. Not proud-of-myself happy. All of those feelings are important and I’m grateful to experience them when I pick Baby up in the morning and give him a hug, or after a long nerve wreaking session with my therapist, it’s all important, it’s all good. But I’m talking about a different kind of happy that overwhelmed me this weekend, a happy that I haven’t felt in a while. I’m talking about a just-being-in-the-moment kind of happy.

That was what this weekend was about. My night out, the whiskey, the music, the dancing, the funny French-gay-guy incident, and staying out in the club until they closed and asked us to leave, and climbing to the roof of D’s building and seeing the city lights, small and beautiful, and hugging, and singing, like discovering a newfound freedom.

This morning I took a stroll in the park, and looked and the ducks in the pond, and the sun shown through the trees and it was beautiful. Not sophisticated, or thought provoking, just pleasant and pretty. And then I visited a friend I haden’t seen in a while, and we put together a mini-bon fire from scraps of wood, right on the roof of her house, and sat their drinking tea and chatting.

And when I came back home, and Baby Daddy dropped baby off I was so happy to see my boy, but more than that, I was happy for him to see me this way, to see his mommy relaxed, content, happy. He deserves that. And now that I have that, I finally realize how much it was missing from my life, and I never want to let it go. I have a hunger for joy, for contentment. I want more nights out, and more rooftops, and more ducks, and more silly romance novels, and more walks in the park, and kissing boys who aren’t gay. And I want my Baby Boy to grow up knowing that this is what life is about: a constant adventure. Yes, there are difficulties and obstacles. But there is also an abundance of joy, and it’s everywhere. You just have to open your eyes and look.


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