To Date or Not to Date

26 Nov

I’m starting to get used to the idea of being single, in a way that is almost comforting.

After the adjustments in my bedroom, having pushed my bed against the wall, and gotten rid of Baby Daddy’s bedside table and some romantic pictures that hung on the wall, I started to, finally, sleep through the night, in my own bed. This was a huge improvement in the quality of my life, obviously. And I have to admit that Baby’s been letting me sleep for the last week, KNOCK ON WOOD!

What else? I’m getting used to cooking for one, and shopping for one (well two, but one of us only eats formula and mashed zucchini and pumpkin, so doesn’t really count). I stopped buying bread and cow milk and cold cuts, which I don’t consume, and filled the fridge with goat milk, and rice crackers, vegies, and lots of dark chocolate.

It feels like I’m at the very beginning of creating a routine for myself. At the very beginning of things actually falling into place. This is a comforting notion, and I’m waiting for everything to feel more stable. But in order for that to happen, I know that I need to move on, and to move on means that I have to see other people. Even if I’m not ready for it. I need to feel that I’m moving on.

But I’m not, really. Because my closet is still full of his clothes, and the night table I said earlier that I’d gotten rid of, is really just waiting in my office, like it’s on a “time out”. And deep inside I’m waiting and hoping that Baby Daddy will come around, admit that this was all a huge stupid mistake, or even better, maybe I’ll just wake up and realize that all of this was a ridiculous dream. I’ll tell him all about it and he’ll just laugh at how insecure I am.

There’s a guy my girlfriend wants to set me up with. Something completely casual. I think I’ve mentioned earlier that I’ve never actually done “casual” before. My instinct was to reject even the notion of it. But deep inside, in that same place that is still hopeful that Baby Daddy will come back into my life, I also know that some physical warmth will be good for me now, healthy. Like charging your phone when the battery’s about to die.

Seriously, my battery needs charging.


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